Turn off your phone, please!

I recently heard about a great game my client plays with his family and their friends when they go out for brunch after church each Sunday. Each person at the table places their cell phones in the middle of the table after they sit down and get settled. The first one who picks up their phone throughout the course of the meal has to pay for the meal! Now, that is quite the financial consequence for picking up your phone and would certainly cause me to think twice.

I love the idea of this game that aims to keep the family connected. It is virtually impossible for most of us to not touch our phones, and so acknowledging the difficulty of it and turning it into a fun game or a challenge is more productive than parents nagging their children to get off their screens.

Sherry Turkle writes of how technology is killing our conversations in her 2015 book "Reclaiming Conversation", quoting statistics like 82% of Americans who pulled out a smart phone during a conversation sensed they killed the intimacy of that interaction. We all know this a problem yet few of us have developed the habits to routinely keep our relationships and conversations forefront! After all, we are dealing with not just a bad habit, but an addiction.

I have worked with Dr. Judith Wright for decades in the area of "soft addictions", habits that don't kill us, but do kill our time, money, and intimacy with others. In our seminars and coaching, we focus on the path to overcoming these addictions, namely, the path of the developing the habits to meet the deeper yearnings we have -- the human need to connect with others and belong, to feel a part of something, to love and be loved. These are all the needs that have a chance of being met when we engage face to face with others and not when we are looking at screens.

Just like a recovering alcoholic is told to avoid people, places and things that may trigger the urge to drink, we also need to set up the systems that help us avoid that urge to go toward our phone rather than each other. Put those phones in the center of the table and make it a financial reward to refrain from picking them up! Plug your phone in to charge in some awkward place in your home rather than your nightstand. Or give yourself a time out and just turn it off once in a while for practice being without it.

Is being addicted to your phone a problem for you? How much energy and discomfort would you invest in breaking this habit? Are you willing to sit with some of the anxiety so that you can have more connection with yourself and others?

TIP: Pick a time at night to “wind down” (many experts recommend when it turns dark to attune to the rhythms of nature) which includes putting your phone on Do Not Disturb, plugging it in a room you don’t go into, and notice the freedom you feel from being able to totally unplug.

TIP: Set a timer for your social media app to alert you that you’ve spent “X” time on the phone. This feedback will give you real data to make a choice to put down your phone.

TIP: Pay attention when your phone sends you updates about whether your usage is up or down from the previous week. Make it a game to try to get it lower each week. You’ll even get a dopamine rush when you hit the goal!

TIP: When all else fails, laugh at yourself after a scrolling binge at the ridiculousness of what you just spent X hours watching. Humor is a powerful tool that creates distance and allow for your observing ego to choose change.