From bad habits to sacred rituals

If you are like me, living in a place that has a seasonal weather change, then you may enjoy the transitions between seasons. Moving from summer to fall and winter, for example, has its own feel….slowing down, getting excited about the holidays. You may be pulling out warmer clothes, lighting a fire in a fireplace, and basking in the smell of the rained-on earth, the colors of the changing leaves, and the cooled air. Perhaps you are looking forward to some of the rituals that mark the fall and winter months – the building of fires, walking outside in the fallen leaves, preparing for winter meals and celebrating holidays that fall in October through December.

Celebrating religious and seasonal holidays seem to be some of our more common shared rituals. Some of us make altars to remember our passed-away relatives for the Day of the Dead, while others mark the end of October by carving a pumpkin or dressing up in that costume that reflects an aspect of our personality we only will reveal this one day of the year. Some of us look forward to making a turkey (or Tofu-rkey if you’re veg) for a Thanksgiving meal, setting a beautiful table, and then watching or playing football with family and friends. Or, like me, chanting the hauntingly beautiful minor-tuned prayers in Hebrew which mark the Jewish New Year. However you mark the seasonal change, these rituals are essentially our culture’s sacred habits.

According to the article in Scientific American, “Why Rituals Work”, rituals take an extraordinary array of shapes and forms. Sometimes, like the ones that mark the fall and winter holidays, they are performed in communal or religious settings, and other times they are performed in solitude. Many rituals are sacred, and some may feel like the opposite. When we are faced with situations that make us feel anxious, we take comfort in engaging in preparatory activities that help us feel like we are back in control.

We have 100’s of rituals we do that we more often see as bad habits. The ritual, or habit, of pouring a drink or turning on the television when we get home. Some of these habits have been written about and studied by addictions researchers. I’ve worked with Dr. Judith Wright, the author of the book “The Soft Addiction Solution” that describes so very accurately all the habits we have that unfortunately caused us as a society to become numb, waste our time, money, and take our attention and consciousness away from what is really meaningful. The purpose and intent of our soft addictions are essentially the same as the sacred rituals we do so meaningfully at other times of the year. They are an attempt to sooth us from life’s anxieties, disappointments and transitions.

What is a ritual but “an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner” according to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary. When applied to religion it makes sense - Catholic Mass and most religious sermons are highly ritualistic. A determined order and set of acts repeated again and again, over and over through millennia. However, isn’t this also true for our soft addictions? Think about what you do when you get home from work when you have had a hard day? Or, when you wake up and feel dread after scanning your email or news headlines? Or, when you have unplanned time ahead of you? Most of us engage in activities that numb us, eating unconsciously, turning on the television, looking at our phones….all these habits of our unconsciousness are labelled as soft addictions. And we do them again and again, repeating them so they are so well rehearsed that it is hard NOT to do them!

If we can begin to see these soft addictions as rituals we have built to soothe us from life's anxiety, then perhaps we can create new rituals which provide the soothing without the harm. Let's look at some of our daily transitions where we are vulnerable to soft addictions: sleep to wake, home to work, work to home, and wake to sleep.

Waking up consciously can be a challenge - as the mornings grow darker and colder it can be harder to get out of bed. I have begun to put into practice a really easy Ayurvedic practice upon waking up: splashing my face with open eyes with water 7 times to balance my energy and using the element of water to wash away the night. Imagine if you had a ritual to do in the morning that you enjoyed doing that put you in touch with nature - it's a little more attractive than dying to make that first pot of coffee and hauling your carcass into the shower?

Going from home to work (or in COVID, from personal-home-space, to work-home-space) is also a time when our fears about the day ahead likely cause us to be distracted as we walk into our place of work, and a few of us have a ‘being late’ soft addiction that create worry and rush. I tend to like quiet and a clean space before I deal with my emails and other people, and if I have not cleared my workspace the night before, the ritual of organizing my space and lighting a candle is helpful. You might also say a mantra to yourself, or read a positive or inspirational quote to start your day.

Transitioning home from work is also a danger zone for the softly addicted (or, again, in COVID, stopping work at the end of the day, and let's not forget tending to children being e-schooled, too!). The day's challenges and unfinished business with work relationships and tasks linger and long to be finished and completed but are often not. Why not create a ritual of talking through your day with someone on your way home, or even do something as simple as taking off your shoes to transition from the outside, and washing your hands to purify yourself of the day as you come into your home. (Or, in the time of COVID, walking outside for a moment and coming back in and calling out "honey, I'm home!")

And, putting ourselves to bed consciously is surprisingly difficult for many of us. I coach a handful of executives who are extremely productive during the day, but cannot relax and put themselves to bed. The pull to read through articles on our cell phones, browse social media, have a drink, or other random tasks keeps us from having good sleep and effects our next day. So many studies show that doing things like getting to bed at a regularly time, meditating, taking a bath, eating nothing after 7pm, plugging your phone in somewhere else, is helpful, but so challenging to get ourselves to do. I am practicing plugging in my phone outside my bedroom and then reading a meditation to help my dreams resolve my daily issues.

All of these things take dedication and hard work, but they are so worth the pay off. Just pick one tiny little ritual to add in instead of trying to limit your soft addictions. Think of this as a sacred celebration that can happen every day and not just once a year as in our holiday and seasonal rituals. If we can begin to add in beautiful, meaningful transition habits and see them as important as the rituals we do as a culture to celebrate our seasons and holidays, we will be a much more in touch and satisfied culture.