Case Study: Revolutionizing Masculinity—the Power of Vulnerability in Male Friendship

I recently had an inspiring coaching call with a client who has been developing his leadership and influence by increasing his social and emotional awareness.

Most recently in our work together, he has successfully shifted some personal lifestyle choices and habits that had previously numbed his feelings. As he feels and accepts these feelings, he has shifted for himself the cultural belief that it isn’t "manly" to feel fear or express pain. This has been tough work—hard to revisit painful memories, hard to acknowledge his own needs, and especially hard to confront his feelings of helplessness in these times. This is a man whose loyalty is so fierce that nothing could stand in the way of protecting his family and friends. Yet, he feels powerless to protect them from the events of 2020 and how they manifested in America—from the effects of systemic racism, addiction, disease, and poor leadership decisions.

In our last call, in the midst of doing this difficult work, he celebrated with me—tears streaming down his face—that some of the men he’s been building relationships with are now coming to him to express their own pain. One friend, in particular, suffered an unimaginable loss. Instead of offering a simple, “Sorry, man, that’s so tough, let me know what you need” and leaving it at that, my client reached out again to offer support, encouraging and guiding his friend to feel the pain and break out of his solitude during such a tough time.

My client didn’t understand why he was crying so hard—after all, his friend’s pain wasn’t his own. But, as we open ourselves to others’ pain, we become more present to our own. And likewise, the more in touch with our own pain, fears and deep sadness, we give others permission to feel and grieve.

I find it important in my work to help break these cultural beliefs around masculinity and vulnerability. I often ask my female clients who are partnered with men - are you aware of whether he is afraid or sad lately? And, are you mindful of the messages you communicate, letting him know that it’s okay—or not okay—to feel those things?

I’m writing this because I was deeply moved by this one man’s commitment to create space for the men in his life and how he used his own vulnerability and openness to reach out to others in their isolation. This act is revolutionary. Let’s follow his lead to create space for ourselves and each other to feel. Together, we can heal ourselves and help others to do the same.