Accepting impermanence: a key for growing relationships

"From health to jobs, to interests to friendships, to sexual desire to the weather -- everything is constantly decaying, regenerating, and in flux. It follows, then, that relationships are not fixed.....Our needs, wants, feelings, thoughts, moods, and desires are constantly shifting, so our relationships are always changing, too. Life is a river of loss, change, and rebirth." Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D., If the Buddha Married

We don't have to be Buddhist to benefit from the Buddhist principle of accepting the impermanence of life. Accepting this can lead us away from wishing for things to go back to being a certain way, and toward being curious and embracing the way things actually are.

Everything changes and grows, including us and our loved ones! We may hear ourselves complaining that our children don't need us as they did when they were babies, or that we aren't having the hot sex we had in the early stages of our relationship, or, that our bodies aren't as they were 10, 20 or 30 years ago. Our complaining — otherwise known as 'suffering', a Buddhist term reflecting all our negative thoughts, beliefs, and interpretations about an event or person — may be reduced as we instead focus on the deeper feelings and yearnings that are there.

It takes being with yourself with the intention of identifying what is going on inside of you, a skill that we need to learn. Meditation, journaling, taking walks, or anything that allows us to go in rather than distract ourselves can be so helpful. As we "be", we will likely feel more sadness and pain than we are comfortable with, but this is a healthy part of growing -- learning to feel and be with our underlying, ever-present grief. We begin to mourn, which, by the way, has a happy ending - a new beginning that emerges only when we move through the pain of what has been lost.

Wishing for things to return the way they used to be is then replaced with an open mind and curiosity of what is in this moment and what is possible. Having a beginner's mind, also a principle in Buddhist philosophy, allows us to see ourselves and our partner anew each day. Notice and savor everything. Rather than rushing in with judgements and complaints (signs of our beliefs and 'shoulds' from past conditioning), we can stop and savor what is in front of us, bringing us to full presence with our loved ones.

This point is best demonstrated by the beautiful poem written by Rumi, and translated by Coleman Barks.

GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.