Embracing a sober-curious mindset
Note: This is written for those newly questioning the effect of alcohol on their physical, emotional and mental health. This not written for those who identify as alcoholic and have plenty of evidence that abstinence is the only path for full recovery.
The term "sober curious" refers to the 2018 book by Ruby Warrington which resonated so much with millennials that it sparked a whole movement. Before we dig into this concept, bear with me as I share some context about myself and the topic.
I've spent a lot of time in the field of addictions, first as a therapy intern at one of Chicago's historic low-income treatment centers, then as a therapist in the dual diagnosis program (substance abuse + mental health) at a prominent North Shore mental health center, and for the past 18 years coaching people and leading workshops to help people learn to replace their "soft addictions."
This journey has solidified my belief that we ALL use substances and activities to cope, survive, and attempt to care for ourselves. We're all addicts. It's normal and embedded in our culture. In fact, many people in the tech and food industries (just to name a few) get paid well to keep us addicted to their products. Some of the things we do and use can kill us or create massive chaos in our lives. And some things we do and use may be fun for a time, but eventually make us a poorer, numb, fatigued, and leave us feeling empty. Alcohol fits in both those categories.
When talking about alcohol use, I can't leave out the support program I refer most clients who want to stop drinking to: Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I think the 12-step program is one of the greatest movements in the past century. I have many clients who use this program successfully, and I have used several groups for my own relationship/addictions with food - those who are willing to put in the effort and hard work find immense freedom from their substance of choice. But, for some people, AA and 12-steps group are not always the best fit.
How is sober curiosity different from being sober? Some define sobriety as a need to stop drinking entirely, whereas sober curiosity defines a group of people making a choice for better wellness who don't need to stop completely. While both are making choices for a better life, I do think the language of sober curiosity makes it a lot more welcoming for someone to reflect on and change their relationship with alcohol.
First off, curiosity is defined as the strong desire to know or learn something (Oxfordlanguages.com), and it is an important and primary aspect of mindfulness. When we approach things with curiosity, we turn toward the entirety of an experience. When you're curious about something, you approach it and notice all aspects of it, seeing out it works, what it feels like, what it looks like; approaching your experience of alcohol allows you to BE with it in a mindful way. This means being your own person and allowing yourself to be with YOUR experience of alcohol, not influenced by the cultural norm filled with top celebrities who create their own brands and distilleries, sexy advertisements of alcohol, and cool artisanal bartenders designing cool artisanal drinks to have with your friends on a night out.
Being sober curious may mean gently asking yourself questions like: Hmmm...why am I drinking this right now? What am I feeling? What is it I really want/need/yearn for? How might I feel in the morning if I have one more drink? Do I really like the taste, and do I like how I feel? You can then weigh the answers to these questions against some of the things you deeply desire or goals that you have set for yourself and decide if you want to shift how or when you drink. You may or may not choose sobriety for good, but at least you will have very good information about how alcohol affects you.
When we are in a state of avoiding rather than approaching our experiences, we are shut down and not open to learning about ourselves. Some of us have a history of deep shame about our habits and those of our family members that cause us to be defensive and resistant to learning about our behaviors and habits. This can lead to lying to ourselves and denying how we really are feeling. It seems to me that sober curiosity takes away the morality, shame and judgement around drinking and allows for, well, just being curious.
A compassionate, mindful inquiry and curiosity about ourselves promotes growth and progress toward our declared health goals. If you are interested in practicing the sober curious mindset, or would even like to practice being sober for the holidays, here are a few recommendations:
Get an ally or friend who is also interested in a sober-curious mindset and call and text each other through holiday events for non-judgmental support.
Make a dual pro/con list to get at various facets of the choices you make around drinking: The pros of drinking, the cons of drinking, the pros of NOT drinking, and the cons of NOT drinking. You may be surprised at what you learn!
Next time you are having a drink, gently ask yourself the questions: how am I feeling, what do I want this drink for? Is it possible to choose something else, or do I really want to drink this?
Practice 30 days without the use of alcohol just to see how you feel. (Oh, look, #DryJanuary is coming up! Why not ride the wave with thousands of people who are also abstaining for the month in a unified field to help you along!)
Try the Sunnyside app to help you set goals and monitor your drinking in a non-judgmental way. My 20-something clients have really benefitted from increased consciousness and reduced drinking.
I hope this helps you to have compassion and curiosity for your alcohol use habits this holiday season, and forward to a friend who may also be interested in being sober curious!
(note: this article was not generated by AI, I'm proud to say!)